Aren't You Happy
by Shadow Padawan
Summary: Sirius' concept of a relationship varies widely from Remus' expectations.


**Notes:** The bit of poetry at the end is from Anna Akhmatova's "I Wrung My Hands…" The translation is mine because I didn't like any of the official ones. Oh, also, my very first ever attempt at Remus/Sirius so…hopefully you like you :)

* * *

It started out simple and innocent, almost strangely comical. James never noticed a thing, of course; he was always too busy paying attention to himself. Sirius would come down to the common room where Remus was studying and simply sit next to him, Lupin would in turn quietly wait out the storm of Sirius' tirades after a vacation at home or a run in with Regulus. There were touches and looks but they all came to nothing. Remus would wonder through the halls in the evening, aimlessly brooding, and Sirius would take out all his pent up frustration on Severus Snape, much to James' absolute delight.

Remus broke down first, in the early weeks of spring in their seventh year. They lay spread out on the fresh, young grass by the lake, the watery sun only mildly warm still. Remus rolled over and poked his nose at Sirius' shoulder.

"What are you doing?"

"Cuddling."

"What?" Sirius seemed bemused, but didn't move the other boy.

"Do you mind?" Remus looked up, light grey eyes wide, almost bulging in anticipation.

Sirius smirked and reached down to grasp at Remus' groin. "Not particularly."

* * *

They didn't say anything to anyone, Sirius had insisted. "Do you have any idea what people would say?" Remus just shook his head, running his hands through Sirius' dark, thick hair. He didn't really care one way or another.

At least he didn't care until he realized that Sirius was in the habit of shagging everything that moved. Anything female and most things male, to be exact. Remus held his tongue, burring himself in his books and his work, his thoughts and the fine wine Sirius always had in stock. Since they got their own apartment it was easier to wait around for Sirius so they could fall asleep together. "I always come home to you, don't I?" That was Sirius' excuse and Remus took it for what it was, fearing to shatter the fragile construction that was supposed to be their relationship. It was easier to keep quiet and take what Sirius gave him rather than find himself waking up alone. Sirius was never rough, never crude, and always willing to say the right things. It was almost enough.

Almost.

* * *

"Why aren't you happy, Remus?" Lily, in a green-and-white summer dress, leaned back against the back of her chair. The porch was sunlit and the light bunnies played in her bright orange hair. Remus couldn't help but appreciate James' taste.

"What makes you say I'm not happy?"

Lily dug her spoon into her icecream and swirled it around before bringing it to her lips and sucking off the vanilla delight. "You hardly ever smile anymore. At first I thought you and Sirius weren't getting along living together but he seems quite content."

"He would be." Remus drank in the tropical lemonade Lily had made for their private luncheon and looked out into the garden, feeling detached from all the flowers and bright colors there. He thinks, sometimes, that he has given all that was bright within him to Sirius. Sirius always needed bright things, stand-out people – like James, say – to be around. He drank from their light. So Remus had bunched up all the brightness and color that he could summon from within himself and threw it out to Sirius for the taking. The other boy took much better than he gave. Sirius and James had always been alike, after all; no wonder they thought of themselves as brothers.

"Remus?" Lily reached out and took his wrist in her cool hand. "What's eating at you?"

"Nothing, Lily. I simply can't seem to figure out my own place among the people I love, that's all."

Her frown increased. "That's silly. Your place is here with us, as my friend, and James' and Sirius'…"

Remus flinched, then looked away from her invading green eyes. "You wouldn't understand, Lily. James is perfect with you. You're perfect. He's perfect. So is Sirius. I'm just…the resident werewolf…"

* * *

.

The walls of the apartment had started to close in, the sitting room no longer cozy but suffocating. By the time Sirius came home the sun had set and a strong wind began to blow, creaking branches and throwing leaves around so they whispered amongst themselves, as though casting incantations. Remus sat huddled up in an armchair, the bottle of red wine in his lap was only a quarter empty but he felt dizzy and ill.

"Hey, Remus." Sirius was nonchalant as always, hanging up his coat and stalking into the kitchen to grab late dinner which Remus had left on the stove under a thermospell. Nonchalant and oblivious as well. "Leave me some of that wine, will ya?" His voice floated from the kitchen and reached Remus as though through a dense fog.

"Yea." Sirius was in the sitting room in several minutes. He took the bottle of wine from Remus and took several drinks, before setting it aside onto the coffee table. He perched on the armrest of the armchair and grinned.

"Good news. We're having the Order Ball after all."

Remus looked up, uncertainly. "Are we going?"

Sirius laughed and nodded. "Of course, why not? I am." He reached down and cupped Remus' chin, kissing him languidly. "Why so morose today?"

Remus could smell the alien perfume on Sirius's jacket and it made his head reel. "I meant together," he snapped, making firm eye contact with Sirius and ignoring his question completely.

"What are you talking about, Remus? We've had this conversation; that can't happen."

Remus' frown grew, dipping dangerously at the corners. "Why not? I love you."

"That's not the point." Sirius dipped his head for another kiss, but Remus turned his face away. Sirius, undaunted, kissed his neck instead. Remus groaned, half in pleasure, half in agonizing frustration.

"You're never going to say it are you?"

"Say what?" Sirius looked honestly baffled when he withdrew to regard Remus.

"That you. Love. Me." The words came out in a staccato, cutting through air, ringing and vibrating through Remus' consciousness.

"Oh this foolishness again?"

"Foolishness?" Remus could not even yell the words, he merely forced them out, managing a syllable at a time. "Is that all I am to you? Foolishness? Is that what this all is? Is that why you go around fucking everyone who will let you, leaving me here to my own devices, never caring to wonder what I might want, what I might need? Merlin." He stood, stumbles, knocking over the bottle of wine which goes tumbling off the table, and swept to the door. The wine spilt across the carpet, staining it crimson in streaks and splotches.

"Remus, we're no longer children. What did you expect, that this was a real relationship with real prospects? We do what we like and we're happy the way we are…what else do you want? I'm perfectly happy to come home to you every night. Are you not happy?" Sirius stood, folding his arms, his dark curls fell out of their neat arrangement and hung in spirals over his eyes.

"No, Sirius. I'm not happy. But you wouldn't have noticed that, of course."

"Remus, where are you going?" Sirius followed him out into the front hall and down the steps of the porch. "Remus!"

"I'm leaving."

"Leaving to go where?"

Remus shrugged, pushing open the gate. "I don't know. I'll send you an owl when I'm settled and you can floo me my things."

"Wait, so you're not coming back?" Something flickered across Sirius' eyes, something between anger and fear. "Remus, this is silly, come back inside, you don't want to do this. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just said I want to come home to you." His voice rose to a pathetic pitch, vibrating helplessly.

Remus' smile was frozen like something glued on, dead and disturbed. "Go back in, Sirius. It's too cold for you to be out without a cloak."

The soft pop of an Apparition broke the stupefied silence.

* * *

_I cried, "It was all but a joke!  
I'll die if you leave, you'll have sinned"  
He turned to me with a cold, awful smile  
And said, "Don't stand in the wind,"_


End file.
